The Bane of My Existence

The blonde is Vivian, a manager at Rick’s Cabaret in NYC.  After a hard night of drinking and mental preparation for the cashectomy that is Rick’s, my friends T-Bone, Spanky and I headed over.  T-Bone, the junior member of the inner circle, best known for showing how drunk he is continually increasing the volume of his voice, was so hammered he was drowing out jet planes. 

Strip club nights have an air of inevitability to them.  A slippery slope toward oblivion made all the more slippery by beer and shots.  We headed on over and bulled our way to the corner of the bar instantly attracting the attention of the self-proclaimed Wonder Twins, who were neither twins nor wonderful.  One had just come back from South Beath and was more leathery than a moccasin.  The other, while slightly better looking appeared to be on the Karen Carpenter diet.  In fact the only interesting thing that likely ever comes out of her mouth is her dinner.

I bailed on those two and a third, a marvel of silicone with an unpronounceble fake name and a face redecorated by Ike Turner.  Eventually, I settled in on a petite Aussie, who under better lighting might have been homely.  Anyway, the beer goggles were strapped on and I was in love.

Nothing good comes of strip club night anymore.  There was a huge dent in my wallet when I left, courtesy of being played magnificently by Viv, as always.  The Aussie didn’t put out and made it worse by saying she once put out more for Spanky, the young master of strip club sex in the champagne room.  At that point, I simply passed out in frustration.

The aftermath:  Me, 3:30 am frying ham at home, the house looked like a tornado hit and my shirt and suit have more glitter and make-up on them than a Vegas showgirl and have Neil Peart banging away in my head.

T-Bone, broke, left his licence at the club . . . again, hung over fierce and acting shady about if he even changed his clothes.

Spanky, home at 5:30 am, key doesn’t work, turns around, grabs Mickie D’s and heads to work.



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