Odysseus Never Had to Deal with Public Transportation

One steamy night last summer I made my way to a local watering hole near the job and settled in for a night of beer and pissing off women.  After awhile all the women started to look way too good,I realized it was time to take it down a notch or I could end up in a motel in another state with someone I’d never met before as had happened the week before.  After drinking a couple of waters (nasty stuff), I headed to Penn Station and settled down on a train with a Big Mac and a tallboy.  I didn’t feel sleepy, but . . .

Sometime later, I opened my eyes realizing I was at my stop.  FUCK.  I have to get off the damn train.  I leapt up, well, it felt like a leap anyway, and I ran the fuck off the train, slithering between the closing doors.  Yes, no waiting for a train in the other direction, no cab, I can get home and go to bed.

FUCK!!!!!!  My wallet.

I ran chasing the train, banging on side like Gene Hackman in The French Connection.  There was my wallet, all alone, open on the seat with an empty tall boy headed east.  My life is in that wallet, so I ran to my car, an old C class Mercedes and in my second Hackman impression of the evening/early morning, floored it, heading down Sunrise Highway to try to catch the train. 

I started catching up to the train after two stations, and by the fourth was ahead of it.  I pulled into the lot and parked on the sidewalk in front of the stairs.  I did my fat guy version of running up the steps as the train pulled into the station.  Victory was mine.

I entered the train and ran to where I was sitting.  No wallet, but no empty tallboy either.

FUCK!!!!!  WRONG CAR!

So, i ran to the next car, found the wallet.  Victory snatched from the jaws of defeat.

FUCK!!!!!  THE DOORS ARE CLOSING.

Well, even Indiana Jones wouldn’t have made it out.  So, I was headed to the end of the line where I could catch a cab back.  And so, after sharing a cab with two sleeping drunks I arrived back at the stations where my car was parked unceramoniously, half on and half off the sidewalk.  Well, I didn’t get dropped off right next to it, and I had to walk a bit.  And then . . .

FUCK!!!

Why are five police cars, lights flashing parked around my car?

Me:  Evening officer.

P.O.  Is this your car?

Me:  Its an interesting story actually.

P.O.  We get a lot of those.

So, I told my tale in four part harmony and after being given a warning for my parking was sent home after the cops laughed at me for awhile.

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