Even More of S.N.A.F.U. List

Internet Joke Sites – So I go surfing around to try to steal some jokes.  You blog surfers have the attentions spans of retarded monkeys so I try to keeping feeding shit to the ganglions that serve as your brains.  Anyway, I figure instead of seizure inducing videos, I figured I’d snag a joke or two.

Has anyone written a remotely funny joke in the last ten fucking years.  I read about a thousand jokes (such is my love for you people) and chuckled like 3 times.  Of course, these were at jokes that I had first heard about 25 years ago. 

Here’s a good example, the borscht belt premise that wives don’t like sex:

Using Vaseline

A woman answers the door to a market researcher. “Good morning madam, I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?””Oh yes, all the time. It’s very good for cuts, grazes and burns.”

“Do you use it for anything else?”

“Like what?”

“Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex.”

“Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out!”

 

 

——————————————————————————–

Peel yourself off the floor from laughing and read this old chestnut:

It’s a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife
are spending the day at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute,
loose-fitting, pink spring
dress, sleeveless with straps. He’s wearing his normal
jeans and a T-shirt.The zoo is not very busy this morning.As they walk through
the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy
gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps
up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he
grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.
He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom
at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making
noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps
fall to show a little more skin.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

“Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan
it at him.” he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy
and now he’s doing flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla
and slams the cage door shut. “Now, tell HIM you have a
headache . . . “

 

 

Actually, these two jokes are better than the majority of what I read.  I mean can someone write or plagarize a joke that isn’t completely obvious from the initial set-up?  Better yet, how about the shitty jokes that start with a ridiculoous premise simply to get to a shittier punch line.  For instance,

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.”I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times, I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

 

 

 

Maybe Stephen Hawking can pull this one off too, after all no one knew what they looked like.  I don’t think I’m being nitpicky, its just a stupid joke.

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