Archive for the Bad Things Category

My Contribution to the World of Knowledge

Posted in Bad Things on September 23, 2015 by retoxicate

I even liked it.

Hello Humans of Twitter

Posted in Bad Things on September 21, 2015 by retoxicate

Welcome Twitter fucks.  I’m sure millions will flock from my feed to the world’s lamest website.  So hey, how’s it going?  I like boobs.

Move your hands please

High five!  Please!

Assholes Endure: Why I Hate Youth Sports

Posted in Bad Things, Hockey, Real Assholes with tags , , on September 21, 2015 by retoxicate

Youth sports suck.  The organizations that sponsor them suck.  The coaching sucks.  Pretty much everything about them sucks.  But I know more about hockey than other sports, so I’ll limit my rant to that.

I speak from experience.  I have kid who has played just about every sport (except lacrosse, because why?).  He’s been ok to good at most of them.  He’s actually a pretty good hockey player.  However, the only way to play decent hockey is to play travel.  Your school’s hockey team sucks and the only reason it may be any good is if most of the team plays travel.

Travel is the biggest load of shit ever.  Here’s how it works.  Parent X pays a lot of money ($1,500 to $8,500) to Organization BS so Kid X can play about 45-55 games plus practices.  Organization BS is run by Douchebag who’s sole motivation is to keep Organization BS going and maintain his position overseeing a shitload of cash that passes through a non-profit.  There is no money in winning or to making better hockey players.  So, if Parent Y has 3 kids in Organization BS, guess who is getting more ice time than Kid X?  If Parent Y Mom (or maybe Dad) regularly blows Douchebag or just shows off her tits, Kid X is riding the bench.  What if Parent Y sends his 3 kids to camps run by Organization BS or its coaches?  Kid X rides that bench.  See this is the big secret, Douchebag is going to run Organization BS years after Kid X is long gone.  So fuck Kid X.  Fuck him harder than Douchebag is banging Kid Y’s Mom.

But wait Retox, if Douchebag lives up to his name, why doesn’t Kid X just go somewhere else?  Good question, but this is my post, so shut your piehole.

Organization BS is a member of a league, sanctioned by USA Hockey through its regional organization, in New York, its the NYSAHA.  In a league, for instance **wink, wink** the LIAHL, the Board is made up by Douchebag and his ilk from other member organizations and they are all heavily involved in the NYSAHA.  So, movement is restricted by rule.  Once movement is restricted, there is little impetus to excel.  So you trot out the same shitty coaches year after year and parents pay through nose and the kids never improve.  Now, rules to stop poaching players are important.  But the restrictive rules and the heavy restrictions on creating new teams or organizations makes the LIAHL the only game on Long Island for travel hockey.  Moreover, member organizations can not create other teams to play in other leagues.  So, if Organization BJ decides to start a second U18 team to play in a lesser league, it can be prevented from doing so.  More importantly, LIAHL players can be prevented from playing with that separate team.

So, Kid X riding the pine for Organization BS cannot pick up some more games with another team that is an LIAHL member organization.  That member organization is forced to play every team it has in the LIAHL, even if that team would disband because nobody wants to play in the fucking LIAHL.  Fuck you kids, fuck you hard.

Now you’d think these coaches would be competitive and the organizations would really try to win.  First, winning is hard.  It takes smarts, commitment and discipline, not to mention hard work and a lot of time.  Fuck that.  You might have to go get some real coaches.  You know what sucks about real coaches?  They have opinions.  Douchebag don’t like that.  Shitty coaches who are organizational men have no opinions.  You’ll get a Hrrumph out of that guy every time.

Moreover, despite all of that cash that flows through an organization, very little of it gets to coaches.  They are mostly volunteers.  But here’s the thing, there is no rule that says that volunteers have to suck.

In the end, this segment of youth sports is just another power/money grab.  These fuckers will outwait anyone who disagrees.  Assholes Endure.


I was so fucking right about Tiger (except for one thing)

Posted in Bad Things on April 26, 2012 by retoxicate

In July of 2009, I called it.  Tiger was fucking done.  I said that he would not be the best ever, that he won’t trounce Jack’s records for majors if he reached it all.  DONE.  Everytime he makes a long putt the world will declare him back because the golf world hopes it will happen.  It won’t.  His body is breaking down.  His confidence is not what it was.  More importantly, the other top golfers don’t fold when his name pops up on the leader board.


Now, I was wrong about him having a hot wife.  Now he has a hot ex-wife and plenty of hoes.  Not shabby.  He can always cry on a giant fucking bag of money.

I’m on Twitter @retoxicate.

Posted in Bad Things on April 26, 2012 by retoxicate

So, I’ve been away forever or so.  You can find me at @retoxicate on Twitter, not that I’ve been keeping up with that either.  You can also find me at various comedy clubs in Manhattan.  No shit, really.


What the Fuck?

Posted in Bad Things on October 14, 2010 by retoxicate

It’s been a long time since I posted here, mostly been Twittering. Since I’ve been gone, I’ve taken this lame show on the road and have been performing stand-up in the shitholes of NYC. Anyway, I’ll be posting here more again, like anyone cares.

Hey they finally fired Minaya and I could give a shit. Fuck the Mets.

Cheap Hookers

Posted in Bad Things, Fucking Loser, hooker, Humor, prostitution, Sex on July 29, 2009 by retoxicate
Should I Leave the Cast on the Dresser or the Trough

Should I Leave the Cash on the Dresser or the Trough

Because I am one of the more disgusting slugs to meander through the garden I dig hookers.   Now I am not big on partaking and have not partook in the last (insert time period for statute of limitations plus one day), but I have once or twice.   If you scoot the ads on sites like Craigslist and Backpage, you can play the “How much will this filthy slut look like the Goddess in her ad”.
I’ve encountered some weird beasts that might give Chewbacca a boner, but scared the fuck out of me.  So remember, when you go cheap, leave your pride and bring a harpoon.  Oh and remember Magic Johnson is fat and he has the HIV, so beware.