Archive for the Humor Category

Cheap Hookers

Posted in Bad Things, Fucking Loser, hooker, Humor, prostitution, Sex on July 29, 2009 by retoxicate
Should I Leave the Cast on the Dresser or the Trough

Should I Leave the Cash on the Dresser or the Trough

Because I am one of the more disgusting slugs to meander through the garden I dig hookers.   Now I am not big on partaking and have not partook in the last (insert time period for statute of limitations plus one day), but I have once or twice.   If you scoot the ads on sites like Craigslist and Backpage, you can play the “How much will this filthy slut look like the Goddess in her ad”.
I’ve encountered some weird beasts that might give Chewbacca a boner, but scared the fuck out of me.  So remember, when you go cheap, leave your pride and bring a harpoon.  Oh and remember Magic Johnson is fat and he has the HIV, so beware.

Been a Dog My Whole Life

Posted in anal, Bad Things, Fucking Loser, Humor, Sex, Uncategorized on July 23, 2009 by retoxicate

A child prodigy

When I was 7, I got in trouble for checking out a chick walking by and say,” Nice Tits”.  I didn’t even realize that I had said it out loud.

Trouble was, my parents spent a lot of time away from home leaving my developing mind to be exposed to my Dad’s Hustler collection.  So, I developed a high tolerance for porn at an early age along with a calloused dick from fapping about 10 times a day.

But as much of a horn-dog as I am, I can’t come close to topping this first time sex story.

A dude at my college was a member of the football team and a 19 year old virgin.  He was a virgin because he was an ugly dude made far uglier by his acne scarred face.  In fact, don’t let the past tense of acne scarred lead you to believe that his problems were over.  He looked like Freddy Krueger without the hat. 

So, his roommate, who happens to be serving time now for vehicular homocide, decided that he needed to get the big fella laid.  As all plans made in a drunken haze usually turn out, it was far easier to slur the pledge than to complete it. 

Eventually a savior appeared in the form of one of the sluttiest chicks on campus, maybe the sluttiest.  Affectionately known as “the Train” for the line of dudes waiting outside her room most nights,  she took more crotch hits in one weekend than an entire season of America’s Funniest Home Videos.  Moreover, her self-esteem was so non-existant that she was proud of herself.

Anyway, they hooked the big virgin up with the Train.  Turned out that Pizzaface had never even kissed a girl before.  They assembled throng made them have sex in the shower, so they could listen in on the tribal festivities.  The Train didn’t mind and apparently the virgin knew where to put his dick although that twat was huge so he couldn’t miss it (I only heard that, I swear I don’t know firsthand).

After about 30 seconds of fucking and only a minute after his first ever kiss, the kid showed what he was made of when he yelled, “Turn around bitch, this one is going up your shitter!”  Ah, true love.

Catch you later fuckheads.

 

-Retox-

Is She Filthy?

Posted in ass, Bad Things, Humor, nude, porn, Sex on July 22, 2009 by retoxicate

I have a cop buddy who constantly says all women are whores.  Here is proof.

http://isshefilthy.blogspot.com/

Notes From Las Vegas

Posted in Bad Things, Humor, Sex, Strip Clubs, Strippers with tags , , on September 30, 2008 by retoxicate
Just back from Vegas, meh trip.

Anyway,a couple of quick exchanges . . .

Girl1: I have no tits, but i have great nipples.

Me: How many?

Girl1: (sarcastically) Three.

Me: Do I have to pay extra for that?

——————————————————-

Girl2: I am so wasted. Squeeze my ass harder.

Me: Ok

Girl2: Even harder, I’m so wasted. I want to party. Do you party? I want to party with you? Squeeze harder.

Me: Is that better?

Girl2: (snoring)

———————————————————

(Girl3 gave me long story about how she just moved to town and her dog ran away. Thus, she just wanted to work a few hours to go look for her dog and was giving discounts on dances and half hours)

Girl3: You sure you don’t want to go longer baby?

Me: I can’t. I am too worried about your dog. I can’t even believe you came to work.

Girl3: ::cries::

Me: Oh shit, you’re not lying.

————————————————————

Girl2: My name is Mini. M-I-N-I. Like Mini Me, not Minnie Mouse.

Me: You named yourself after Veren Troyer?

Girl2: What’s Verne Troyer?

Me: He is the midget that plays Mini Me.

Girl2 I don’t know. What does he look like?

Me: He looks exactly like my penis. I mean exactly. Do you want to see?

Girl2: You can’t do that here. Not til you buy me a few shots anyway.

—————————————————————————–

My Dream Super Power

Posted in Bad Things, Humor with tags , on September 11, 2008 by retoxicate

If you had a super power, what would it be?  Now that’s a sorta gay question that gets asked from time to time, and the good powers are really taken.  Super strength and all that.

If I had to sort through the trash of what is left, I’d be the Power Puker.  Point a gun at me, I’d drench you with spew harder than a fire hose.  Kid almost about to be hit by a bus, power him out of the way with a powerful stream made solely from the contents of my stomach.  Would you tangle with me, fuck no.

I’d eat a lot of fucked up shit too.  Stuff that stinks, stuff that stains.  I wouldn’t chew much, so you’d get pounded with chunks.

I’d be bad ass.

Malik Sucks?

Posted in Humor, Rangers, Sports with tags on July 10, 2008 by retoxicate

Lifted from some hockey boards.

“I live in Atlanta and of course go to every game when the Rangers are here. Well 06-07 season the first time the Rangers came to Atlanta Malik took a shot that deflected and hit the boards and scared the shit out of these girls who were Thrasher fans.

So the girls started giving him hell. So Malik shoots a puck directly at the boards and scares the shit out of them again. So he’s in the corner talking to Rozy and they said something to him I cant post here, so Malik turns around, makes a gesture with his tounge in his cheeck and screams after the game ok?

Me and my father almost pissed our pants laughing. So sure enough second game that year the same two girls were there pre game with a giant sign that says “Your the one who sucks, not us.. MALIK” So what does Malik do?  Same exact thing all over again.”

Truism

Posted in Humor with tags on July 9, 2008 by retoxicate

Whenever someone says, “It’s really funny that . . .” or “Funny that you should ask . . .”  whatever follows is never, ever funny.