Archive for the Real Assholes Category

Assholes Endure: Why I Hate Youth Sports

Posted in Bad Things, Hockey, Real Assholes with tags , , on September 21, 2015 by retoxicate

Youth sports suck.  The organizations that sponsor them suck.  The coaching sucks.  Pretty much everything about them sucks.  But I know more about hockey than other sports, so I’ll limit my rant to that.

I speak from experience.  I have kid who has played just about every sport (except lacrosse, because why?).  He’s been ok to good at most of them.  He’s actually a pretty good hockey player.  However, the only way to play decent hockey is to play travel.  Your school’s hockey team sucks and the only reason it may be any good is if most of the team plays travel.

Travel is the biggest load of shit ever.  Here’s how it works.  Parent X pays a lot of money ($1,500 to $8,500) to Organization BS so Kid X can play about 45-55 games plus practices.  Organization BS is run by Douchebag who’s sole motivation is to keep Organization BS going and maintain his position overseeing a shitload of cash that passes through a non-profit.  There is no money in winning or to making better hockey players.  So, if Parent Y has 3 kids in Organization BS, guess who is getting more ice time than Kid X?  If Parent Y Mom (or maybe Dad) regularly blows Douchebag or just shows off her tits, Kid X is riding the bench.  What if Parent Y sends his 3 kids to camps run by Organization BS or its coaches?  Kid X rides that bench.  See this is the big secret, Douchebag is going to run Organization BS years after Kid X is long gone.  So fuck Kid X.  Fuck him harder than Douchebag is banging Kid Y’s Mom.

But wait Retox, if Douchebag lives up to his name, why doesn’t Kid X just go somewhere else?  Good question, but this is my post, so shut your piehole.

Organization BS is a member of a league, sanctioned by USA Hockey through its regional organization, in New York, its the NYSAHA.  In a league, for instance **wink, wink** the LIAHL, the Board is made up by Douchebag and his ilk from other member organizations and they are all heavily involved in the NYSAHA.  So, movement is restricted by rule.  Once movement is restricted, there is little impetus to excel.  So you trot out the same shitty coaches year after year and parents pay through nose and the kids never improve.  Now, rules to stop poaching players are important.  But the restrictive rules and the heavy restrictions on creating new teams or organizations makes the LIAHL the only game on Long Island for travel hockey.  Moreover, member organizations can not create other teams to play in other leagues.  So, if Organization BJ decides to start a second U18 team to play in a lesser league, it can be prevented from doing so.  More importantly, LIAHL players can be prevented from playing with that separate team.

So, Kid X riding the pine for Organization BS cannot pick up some more games with another team that is an LIAHL member organization.  That member organization is forced to play every team it has in the LIAHL, even if that team would disband because nobody wants to play in the fucking LIAHL.  Fuck you kids, fuck you hard.

Now you’d think these coaches would be competitive and the organizations would really try to win.  First, winning is hard.  It takes smarts, commitment and discipline, not to mention hard work and a lot of time.  Fuck that.  You might have to go get some real coaches.  You know what sucks about real coaches?  They have opinions.  Douchebag don’t like that.  Shitty coaches who are organizational men have no opinions.  You’ll get a Hrrumph out of that guy every time.

Moreover, despite all of that cash that flows through an organization, very little of it gets to coaches.  They are mostly volunteers.  But here’s the thing, there is no rule that says that volunteers have to suck.

In the end, this segment of youth sports is just another power/money grab.  These fuckers will outwait anyone who disagrees.  Assholes Endure.


Back in Business . . . Sorta

Posted in Golf, Real Assholes, Sex, Strip Clubs, Travel on May 19, 2008 by retoxicate

Smile! You\'re on Ho Camera!

I figured its time to toss something up here.  I’ve been at the RIMS conference in San Diego and went golfing in Arizona.  The best thing about the RIMS conference is the name.  The conference was poorly attended and populated mostly by the type of people you’d seriously considering running over if you thought you wouldn’t get ass raped in prison for it.  The town is small, has a 1:20 am last call and it rained.  There were way too many fat chicks surrounded by flabby, pasty men (me being one of them).  I did manage to cockblock a few dudes.  While that is technically not cool, fuck it, it was the only amusement available.  The strip clubs are mostly a line-up of girls who will be chopped up by truck stop serial killers in a couple of years.  Of course, that would normally appeal to me, but I was feeling morally superior and hanging out with way too many humorless teetotalers to make an effective foray into assistant crack whore hell.

Arizona was fine, but I suck at golf, was stuck with too many old dudes and didn’t have my own wheels.  I did see some rattlers and a tarantula, so it wasn’t so bad.  I also went to a steakhouse where all the waitresses wore some type of fishnet stocking.  Bonerville.  I have a major weakness for that, you could but Roseanne into fishnets and I’d be dying to bone her.

By the way, JetBlue, which used to rule, is becoming a horror show.  The planes are aging poorly, too many TVs and headset jacks don’t work, the tray tables are all fucked up and the seats don’t go back right.  The temperature on the planes averages about 78 degrees and the staff working on them tend to be douchebags.  They have about the easiest fucking job in the air.  They toss some peanuts and a bottle of water at you and then sit up front being homo-ish the rest of the time.  But aska simple fucking question like “May I have another (3 oz) bottle of water?” and you get a sneer and a “Whatever, they’re free.”  Then you have to go up and get one yourself or wait about an hour for one of these assholes to get it for you.  At least they have to sit near the bathroom and I dropped a nuclear turd in there to keep them company.  No flushing either.  JetBlue is still cheap, which is good, but the rest of the experience is really sucking.