Archive for the Sex Category

Cheap Hookers

Posted in Bad Things, Fucking Loser, hooker, Humor, prostitution, Sex on July 29, 2009 by retoxicate
Should I Leave the Cast on the Dresser or the Trough

Should I Leave the Cash on the Dresser or the Trough

Because I am one of the more disgusting slugs to meander through the garden I dig hookers.   Now I am not big on partaking and have not partook in the last (insert time period for statute of limitations plus one day), but I have once or twice.   If you scoot the ads on sites like Craigslist and Backpage, you can play the “How much will this filthy slut look like the Goddess in her ad”.
I’ve encountered some weird beasts that might give Chewbacca a boner, but scared the fuck out of me.  So remember, when you go cheap, leave your pride and bring a harpoon.  Oh and remember Magic Johnson is fat and he has the HIV, so beware.

Been a Dog My Whole Life

Posted in anal, Bad Things, Fucking Loser, Humor, Sex, Uncategorized on July 23, 2009 by retoxicate

A child prodigy

When I was 7, I got in trouble for checking out a chick walking by and say,” Nice Tits”.  I didn’t even realize that I had said it out loud.

Trouble was, my parents spent a lot of time away from home leaving my developing mind to be exposed to my Dad’s Hustler collection.  So, I developed a high tolerance for porn at an early age along with a calloused dick from fapping about 10 times a day.

But as much of a horn-dog as I am, I can’t come close to topping this first time sex story.

A dude at my college was a member of the football team and a 19 year old virgin.  He was a virgin because he was an ugly dude made far uglier by his acne scarred face.  In fact, don’t let the past tense of acne scarred lead you to believe that his problems were over.  He looked like Freddy Krueger without the hat. 

So, his roommate, who happens to be serving time now for vehicular homocide, decided that he needed to get the big fella laid.  As all plans made in a drunken haze usually turn out, it was far easier to slur the pledge than to complete it. 

Eventually a savior appeared in the form of one of the sluttiest chicks on campus, maybe the sluttiest.  Affectionately known as “the Train” for the line of dudes waiting outside her room most nights,  she took more crotch hits in one weekend than an entire season of America’s Funniest Home Videos.  Moreover, her self-esteem was so non-existant that she was proud of herself.

Anyway, they hooked the big virgin up with the Train.  Turned out that Pizzaface had never even kissed a girl before.  They assembled throng made them have sex in the shower, so they could listen in on the tribal festivities.  The Train didn’t mind and apparently the virgin knew where to put his dick although that twat was huge so he couldn’t miss it (I only heard that, I swear I don’t know firsthand).

After about 30 seconds of fucking and only a minute after his first ever kiss, the kid showed what he was made of when he yelled, “Turn around bitch, this one is going up your shitter!”  Ah, true love.

Catch you later fuckheads.



Is She Filthy?

Posted in ass, Bad Things, Humor, nude, porn, Sex on July 22, 2009 by retoxicate

I have a cop buddy who constantly says all women are whores.  Here is proof.

Notes From Las Vegas

Posted in Bad Things, Humor, Sex, Strip Clubs, Strippers with tags , , on September 30, 2008 by retoxicate
Just back from Vegas, meh trip.

Anyway,a couple of quick exchanges . . .

Girl1: I have no tits, but i have great nipples.

Me: How many?

Girl1: (sarcastically) Three.

Me: Do I have to pay extra for that?


Girl2: I am so wasted. Squeeze my ass harder.

Me: Ok

Girl2: Even harder, I’m so wasted. I want to party. Do you party? I want to party with you? Squeeze harder.

Me: Is that better?

Girl2: (snoring)


(Girl3 gave me long story about how she just moved to town and her dog ran away. Thus, she just wanted to work a few hours to go look for her dog and was giving discounts on dances and half hours)

Girl3: You sure you don’t want to go longer baby?

Me: I can’t. I am too worried about your dog. I can’t even believe you came to work.

Girl3: ::cries::

Me: Oh shit, you’re not lying.


Girl2: My name is Mini. M-I-N-I. Like Mini Me, not Minnie Mouse.

Me: You named yourself after Veren Troyer?

Girl2: What’s Verne Troyer?

Me: He is the midget that plays Mini Me.

Girl2 I don’t know. What does he look like?

Me: He looks exactly like my penis. I mean exactly. Do you want to see?

Girl2: You can’t do that here. Not til you buy me a few shots anyway.


Does Brinkley Put Out?

Posted in Bad Things, Fucking Loser, porn, prostitution, Rants, Rejection, Sex with tags , on July 7, 2008 by retoxicate
Nice Smile, But Does She Fuck?

Nice Smile, But Does She Fuck?

So, personally, I’m wondering.  Now I like porn too much and I like 18 year old girls too much (Hi LE, 17 year old girls are icky!)  But honest, if I was banging a supermodel 2-3 times a week, I’d lay off other women.  I’d even cut back a bit on the ole porn.

But, I think there is an undercurrent of this was just like any old other marriage.  She getting older and is like, stop it there Cookie, get your finger out of my ass.  And I’m sure she never, ever reminded him that she paid all the bills.  So, he jerks off and bangs teenagers (at least she was legal Mr. Clemens).  His big mistake was getting caught.

i wonder if she was devastated by her picture perfect marriage being shown to be a fraud or that fact that she’s a super model and he’s spanking it to naughty housewives and sites with chicks show ing off saggy tits and gunts.

Posted in Fucking Loser, Rants, Rejection, Sex with tags , on July 7, 2008 by retoxicate
This is my current sex life

This is my current sex life

So, there is not really any point in pulling punches.  I can’t get laid to save my life.  I’ve had slumps before, but this one is about the worst ever.  I’m thinking of calling in a professional.  With my luck, I’ll end up with a guy . . . again.  And his dick will be way bigger . . . again.

Porn Addiction: Rock Bottom

Posted in anal, ass, Bad Things, Fucking Loser, porn, Rants, Sex with tags , on July 2, 2008 by retoxicate

We need Vagasil stat!

I love porn.  I managed to sneak peeks at porn way too early in life and I just love it.  But the critics are right, there is something insidious about it.  I used to be happy with neatly trimmed bushes and big tits, but then I needed to see pussy.  From there, it got more and more hardcore, not like dog fucking, but dog fucking doesn’t startle me. 

Then I hit rock bottom.

I’ve become addicted to hentai porn.  Yeah, real women just don’t do it for me, I need porn from the guys who draw fucking Voltron.  Big giant Puss in Boots eyes, big tits, pussies that shoot thick vicious liquids, subtitles and assholes that look like the openings on blow-up dolls (they do and you fucking losers know it).  I need to throttle the dolphin to lesbian hentai (like this one where this girl sprouts wings flies around behind the other chick and sticks her tongue in her ass til they both cum), anal hentai, rough hentai, I need it all.  There is even something called Omorashi (オモラシ / おもらし / お漏らしin which individuals struggle with a full bladder before finally wetting themselves.  How fucking awesome is that?

I really need help.