I’m on Twitter @retoxicate.

Posted in Bad Things on April 26, 2012 by retoxicate

So, I’ve been away forever or so.  You can find me at @retoxicate on Twitter, not that I’ve been keeping up with that either.  You can also find me at various comedy clubs in Manhattan.  No shit, really.


What the Fuck?

Posted in Bad Things on October 14, 2010 by retoxicate

It’s been a long time since I posted here, mostly been Twittering. Since I’ve been gone, I’ve taken this lame show on the road and have been performing stand-up in the shitholes of NYC. Anyway, I’ll be posting here more again, like anyone cares.

Hey they finally fired Minaya and I could give a shit. Fuck the Mets.

Cheap Hookers

Posted in Bad Things, Fucking Loser, hooker, Humor, prostitution, Sex on July 29, 2009 by retoxicate
Should I Leave the Cast on the Dresser or the Trough

Should I Leave the Cash on the Dresser or the Trough

Because I am one of the more disgusting slugs to meander through the garden I dig hookers.   Now I am not big on partaking and have not partook in the last (insert time period for statute of limitations plus one day), but I have once or twice.   If you scoot the ads on sites like Craigslist and Backpage, you can play the “How much will this filthy slut look like the Goddess in her ad”.
I’ve encountered some weird beasts that might give Chewbacca a boner, but scared the fuck out of me.  So remember, when you go cheap, leave your pride and bring a harpoon.  Oh and remember Magic Johnson is fat and he has the HIV, so beware.

The Lamest Show on Earth: 2009 Mets

Posted in Baseball, Fucking Loser, Mets, Sports on July 29, 2009 by retoxicate

So the Mets season goes on.  Delgado, Beltran, Reyes and Putz are still out.  If they win tonight with Santana on the hill, people may even begin deluding themselves that the Mets are in the wildcard race. 

But the winning and losing take a back seat to the current soap opera in the front office.  When we last tuned into “As the Mets Turn”, Omar was still bristling because he had to fire his good, good friend Toni.  Even as Omar rationalized that without Toni in the picture he could spend more time whispering sweet nothings to pin-up boy Jeffie, he missed the shirt ripping, latin he-man.

The rage boiled over when he realized that jilted boy toy Adam was behind all this.  Omar tried to maintain his calm, but true love thwarted broke through the dam of his resolve.  He confronted Adam, the rejected paramour.  But Omar watched his revenge explode in his face, when Jeffie, his new love, sided with Adam.  Now, no Toni, no Jeffie, sad Omar.

Anyway, last night, Jeff Wilpon, COO of the New York Mets and the man that scouted Kazuo Matsui, apologized for the organization.  He figuratively stood behind his GM who was nowhere to be seen.  While the junior Wilpon certainly has the right, and possibly the responsibility, to speak for his organization, Omar Minaya should have been the one to apologize.  If Minaya wants to wear the big boy pants of being a GM, he needs to be front and center eating crow.  Hiding behind your boss is fucking weak.

The Mets will fade again; the trade deadline will pass without meaningful change; and the attention of the fans and the organization will be centered on bullshit.  Good job Omar.

Foot in Mouth Disease or Omar Minaya Syndrome

Posted in Bad Things, Baseball, Fucking Loser, Mets, Sports on July 28, 2009 by retoxicate

As has been pointed out on sports radio repeatedly in the last week or so, when a team has a lost season, the long knives come out.  Every douchebag with a grudge (myself included) does his or her level best to kick the teams, its players, owners and front office while they are down. 

So it is for the not-so-amazing Metropolitans.  Beset by injuries, the team is double digits behind the first place Phillies.   A new ballpark, a better bullpen and the returning core were sold as the cure to the ills of the last two seasons.   Omar and Co. declared that they had, in essence, performed an off-season Heimlich and beware Cole Hamels, the Mets would choke no more.  We won’t know if they will choke this season because with 3 of the Mets best position players down, they are irrelevant.

With losing comes the inevitable sniping as sportswriters and their sources excise a pound of flesh for past transgressions, real or imagined.   Bernazard, like the manager last year, was this year’s first casualty.  I’m certain the irony of being destroyed in the press by unknown sources isn’t making Bernazard smile today.  It was widely reported that his backroom campaigning doomed Randolph.  And this year, having Jeff Wilpon’s ear wasn’t going to save Bernazard when reporters lined up story after story that portrayed him as unprofessional, mean-spirited and petty.

So, with all this, Minaya stepped to the plate to deliver the news that the campaign to oust Bernazard had been successful.  It should have been easy.   He needed only to deliver a simple statement acknowledging that Bernazard had done many things for the organization, but that recent events made it necessary for the organization to part ways with him. 

But this is the Mets . . .

Flashback to the firing of Willie Randolph.  Fired during a West Coast road trip when he should have been fired before the plane took off.  Done late at night, tactlessly.  The organization took a move designed to improve the team’s chances at the post-season and only managed to win the outgoing manager sympathy in the process.

Now, in front of the assembled media, all Minaya had to do was announce the firing.  Instead, he attacked Adam Rubin, a reporter for the Daily News, insinuating that Rubin’s desire to be a front office someday led to his reporting of Bernazard’s unprofessional behavior.  The reporter himself had the opportunity to defend himself and used it.  Unfortunately for Minaya, in battles of wits he is quite unarmed.   

It remains unclear exactly what he wanted the media to take from his remarks about Rubin.  I would imagine that he was venting the organization’s frustration that one of its own was taken down by the tabloids.  Still, save that for another time.

As usual, the Mets can’t even fire someone right.  By the way, the Mets won again last night.  Does anyone even care?

Been a Dog My Whole Life

Posted in anal, Bad Things, Fucking Loser, Humor, Sex, Uncategorized on July 23, 2009 by retoxicate

A child prodigy

When I was 7, I got in trouble for checking out a chick walking by and say,” Nice Tits”.  I didn’t even realize that I had said it out loud.

Trouble was, my parents spent a lot of time away from home leaving my developing mind to be exposed to my Dad’s Hustler collection.  So, I developed a high tolerance for porn at an early age along with a calloused dick from fapping about 10 times a day.

But as much of a horn-dog as I am, I can’t come close to topping this first time sex story.

A dude at my college was a member of the football team and a 19 year old virgin.  He was a virgin because he was an ugly dude made far uglier by his acne scarred face.  In fact, don’t let the past tense of acne scarred lead you to believe that his problems were over.  He looked like Freddy Krueger without the hat. 

So, his roommate, who happens to be serving time now for vehicular homocide, decided that he needed to get the big fella laid.  As all plans made in a drunken haze usually turn out, it was far easier to slur the pledge than to complete it. 

Eventually a savior appeared in the form of one of the sluttiest chicks on campus, maybe the sluttiest.  Affectionately known as “the Train” for the line of dudes waiting outside her room most nights,  she took more crotch hits in one weekend than an entire season of America’s Funniest Home Videos.  Moreover, her self-esteem was so non-existant that she was proud of herself.

Anyway, they hooked the big virgin up with the Train.  Turned out that Pizzaface had never even kissed a girl before.  They assembled throng made them have sex in the shower, so they could listen in on the tribal festivities.  The Train didn’t mind and apparently the virgin knew where to put his dick although that twat was huge so he couldn’t miss it (I only heard that, I swear I don’t know firsthand).

After about 30 seconds of fucking and only a minute after his first ever kiss, the kid showed what he was made of when he yelled, “Turn around bitch, this one is going up your shitter!”  Ah, true love.

Catch you later fuckheads.



Is She Filthy?

Posted in ass, Bad Things, Humor, nude, porn, Sex on July 22, 2009 by retoxicate

I have a cop buddy who constantly says all women are whores.  Here is proof.